Monday, July 22, 2013

Rambling post #42703

I was laying down with Henry tonight, talking about random stuff as he was getting ready to go to bed. We started by talking about stuff like how I'm proud of him for being such a good big brother to Ian and everything, and how I love him and I always will. I don't really know how it ended up coming up, but I had told him that I would be there for him for as long as possible, and even after I'm gone, I hope he realizes how much I love him and how important he is to me. He asked if I was leaving, and I told him no, but one day I'm going to be gone. He pressed the issue, so i told him that one day (hopefully) a long way away, I'm going to not be able to be there with him because I'm going to die, because all living things die. Maybe this was a stupid thing to say to a three year old, but I try my best to be honest with him. He asked why I was going to die one day, and I told him again that all living things die eventually. He ended up asking if mommy was going to die one day, too, and I had to tell him that yeah, one day, but not for a long time. He sadly said that he doesn't want to be alone. It was the single most heartbreaking thing I have ever heard in my life. I sat there next to him and couldn't keep myself from crying while holding him and telling him that he will never be alone, and that mommy and I will always love him. Eventually the subject changed to a lighter note and he drifted off to sleep happy. Now I am sitting here on his bed as he sleeps, writing this, and I am crying again looking back on it.

There are times that I wish I had some sort of religious belief, or that I could make myself believe in heaven or whatever, so I could tell him that even after I die I will still be there for him, and that we will be together again or whatever, but I can't make myself believe something like that, and I don't feel right about telling him something like that if I don't really believe it myself. At the same time, i desperately want to believe that there is a way that we will be together forever. So what can I do in that kind of situation? I really wish I knew. I guess I did lie to him in the end, I don't know. I just want him to know that his mom and I will always love him for as long as we live, but I didn't want to bring up the whole dying subject again.

I wish I could find a way to put things to words for him to explain how much him and his brother mean to me, but as can clearly be seen by the rambling post here, I'm generally not all that good at finding the best words to use.