Monday, June 26, 2017

Gone Fishin'

Took H fishing today because he's been dead set on it and I finally had an opportunity. Most of the time we go fishing, we have no luck. Today, we caught three things. A yellow perch, a bluegill, and a turtle.
Henry catches a gigantic fish, I swear.

The perch was first, then the bluegill. Both in pretty quick succession. The turtle was a bit later. Was an accident, of course. Luckily it barely got hooked, it mostly just had the line wrap around it's foot. I was able to free it with no visible damage, though the little yank I had to do probably wasn't pleasant for ol' Shelly (I just named it now.) H wanted to put the turtle in the bucket we had the fish in, so I did.

Bucket o' lake life
After a few seconds, H wanted me to get the turtle out because turtles breathe air and he didn't want it to get hurt. I reached in to grab it but got a bit poked and couldn't catch it, so I dumped out some of the water to make it easier. Was able to get the turtle out and let him free. So long, Shelly. That left the bluegill and the perch. I tried to add a little extra water into the bucket, but in the process, the bluegill jumped out, leaving only the perch behind.

As is usually the case when we go fishing, H had wanted to take it home and cook it. And because I'm way too overly sensitive about things including a dumb ol' fish even though I eat meat because I'm a complete and total hypocrite, I agreed to do it and didn't let my own feelings on having to kill a fish myself show. I told him we would take the bucket home so his brother could see the fish first. We went and picked up the brother (still need to find a nickname for him for this blog, or I could just use their real names, but whatever) from camp and we went home. We had to leave the fish behind so the younger one could go to his therapy so we did that, ol' Perchy sitting in his bucket, waiting for his demise, none-the-wiser. (side note: Perchy is not nearly as cute of a nickname as Shelly. That fish can't catch no breaks.)

On the way home from all that, H decided that he didn't want to eat the fish, because he felt bad for it. He wanted to let it go. I offered to let it go in the pond behind the house, but he said no, he wanted to return it to the lake, so it could be with its family. Can't really say no to that, can I?

So we took Perchy back to his home in the lake. I am proud of H, more than I can really express. His empathy, his willingness to stand up for what he believed, his ability to tell me what he thought, but mostly, his being him.

Letting Perchy go

Saturday, June 3, 2017

Another year

I apparently can only post here when it's summer time and I start getting the passion to be something other than a lump, even though this summer, finding that passion is taking some real doing. Volunteering a couple places when I can, some coming up very soon, outdoor stuff. Got a book from the library about getting the kids outside more, but it's secretly actually for me. Looking for some sort of inspiration to get myself interested in being outside or doing anything other than wasting time on the internet or whatever. Depression is a killer and it wants me dead more than you can imagine but I'm gonna keep working against it, not for me, but for those (admittedly fucking crazy lately) little boys o' mine.

I look at H and I see a sadness in his face, or maybe I'm projecting. Wife says I am. I don't know. I want to find a way to make him happy that doesn't involve buying him things. Too materialistic. Both are. I am. So much shit piling up for me to feel good about for two seconds before it becomes just another anchor, trying to remove it is like putting on a life preserver made of lead, to continue the oceanish lingo.

I is having a lot more tantrums when things don't go his way (maybe I need a better pseudonym for him instead of his initial, damn confusion.) Keep hoping therapy for him is going to work but how can the therapy work if he throws his tantrums whenever we try the skills given?

Time to look for my own therapist even though finding the time and the money is hard. Don't know my work schedule ahead of time more than like two weeks so I need to find someone who is flexible, and I need to get over my feeling of needing to be home all the time to help with the kids. More of my own craziness.