Saturday, June 3, 2017

Another year

I apparently can only post here when it's summer time and I start getting the passion to be something other than a lump, even though this summer, finding that passion is taking some real doing. Volunteering a couple places when I can, some coming up very soon, outdoor stuff. Got a book from the library about getting the kids outside more, but it's secretly actually for me. Looking for some sort of inspiration to get myself interested in being outside or doing anything other than wasting time on the internet or whatever. Depression is a killer and it wants me dead more than you can imagine but I'm gonna keep working against it, not for me, but for those (admittedly fucking crazy lately) little boys o' mine.

I look at H and I see a sadness in his face, or maybe I'm projecting. Wife says I am. I don't know. I want to find a way to make him happy that doesn't involve buying him things. Too materialistic. Both are. I am. So much shit piling up for me to feel good about for two seconds before it becomes just another anchor, trying to remove it is like putting on a life preserver made of lead, to continue the oceanish lingo.

I is having a lot more tantrums when things don't go his way (maybe I need a better pseudonym for him instead of his initial, damn confusion.) Keep hoping therapy for him is going to work but how can the therapy work if he throws his tantrums whenever we try the skills given?

Time to look for my own therapist even though finding the time and the money is hard. Don't know my work schedule ahead of time more than like two weeks so I need to find someone who is flexible, and I need to get over my feeling of needing to be home all the time to help with the kids. More of my own craziness.